scheer beauty

Amy Winehouse footwear has no place in my wardrobe

In honor of groundhog’s day, I’m going to talk about shoes. Disconnect, you say? Nonsense. We’re talking about spring being around the corner, and that means one thing: fashionable attire. For an empress–or any lady–fashionable attire leads to footwear, ergo, today we will examine the insane popularity of Christian Louboutin heels and their ilk.

Now, I’m all for looking smashing and turning heads, but ladies, do we really need to invite deformation, ankle twists and the unsightly bulge known as Pump Bump?

Now these are boots fit for royalty

We Austrians may have our quirks, but if there is one area in which we excel, it’s in the manifestation of the sensible shoe. As you know, Vienna boasts several bespoke shops along its main retail thoroughfares–Am Graben, Kohlmarkt and Kärntner Strasse.

Modern-day dandies and the elegantly attired flock to Rudolf Scheer & Söhne where they can outfit themselves with the same late 19th century quality enjoyed by the Emperor and myself. Shoes that will hike a mountain and still retain their sole. Shoes that put foot health first (Herr Scheer was a foot doctor), but don’t compromise on beauty.

Thinking that Scheer shoes will make you look like your spinster aunt? Not-to-worry. You’ll dazzle any dance floor in red pumps made from a single piece of ostrich leather, or diamond-studded calf’s-leather pumps styled to look like zebra. And your feet won’t be aching the next day as you sip your café allongé at Cafe Drechsler.

So ladies, next time you feel the urge to cram your tootsies into a pair of come-fuck-me pumps, imagine the hideous bunion-studded, carbuncle-ridden feet that you’ll no doubt own the second half of your life.